I was sitting waiting for my Thai takeaway a few nights ago when I spotted a New Idea magazine with a cover story about the Australian resident claiming to be Charles and Camilla’s love child, a son born of their youthful indiscretion. It moved me to my core. You see I have a story to tell and it must come out. Before I slide quietly past history’s gaze I must reveal my origins, for the sake of my wife and children, for my friends, for the Department of Human Services and for the illumination of humanity as a whole.
I am the love child of Sir Winston Churchill and Queen Elizabeth II. It is such an inexpressible relief to be able to share my secret. The magazine that ignited my resolve will next month be carrying the banner headline:
‘ The Longest Prime Ministerial Audience: Winnie and Liz, the Missing Hours’ and the subtitle ‘ Alan, the world’s newest and most misunderstood Royal’
There may be more about this shock revelation scandal mystery as I gather my wits about me and have some consultations about how to best monetize my unique situation.